White Lightning Axiom: Redux

Wow. Just wow. What is happening that the year finishes so quickly! I swore that I would finish this in a timely manner by doing a little bit each month as event occur, but as they say; 'So goes the well laid plans of men and mice'. Or maybe, if you want to make God laugh, speak of your plans. Either way, I was certain my plans for writing the Annual Haupertonian Christmas Manifesto have proceeded as they do every year. Oh, what a grand year it has been! The Twin Tyrants of Tumultuous Turpitude have been quite active. They went to regional swim championships this year and did well in their heats. Now, I am not expecting them to be the second coming of Marc Spitz or that other fellow, but they can really slice through the wet stuff. While they demonstrate grace and elegance in the pool, I am usually sitting in the changing room. It is my lot as one of the few men who took the 'Child Safety Training' that I should act as the local geezer and tell all the hoodlums to get out of the locker room or face more gruff admonations. Yep, ferocious as a toothless, blind, one legged chiuaua. I do get to spend about an hour four days a week chasing them up and down the pool in an effort to give them a little one-on-one coaching though. We have even started getting them into a swim clinic at our health club every other month for a few hours. Not sure if it is helping any, but they are getting some pretty good tips. Nobody had drowned yet so I'm thinking that we are a few points ahead there.
Hmmm, then there is our TSD (Karate) efforts. After many hours (of beatings) and extraordinary efforts (of getting beaten), I've managed to acquire my black-belt. Now, I'm just 2 years away from my 2nd degree! Uff-da! Now, the twins are just a few months away from their own Junior Black-belts. Really, their TSD is rocking. Regular little jedi-ninja destruct-o-bots space pirates, they are. They did well enough to get 3 trophy plaques each in a National tournament down in AC. I scarfed up a few myself, but I'm considered a 'Senior' which just scares the poopers outta me. Where is my AARP card, eh? Speaking of nearing my Autumn years, my back problem was taken care of this year. Went to PT for weeks on end during lunch and fixed it up good, but I have to play nice or it roars to life ... oddly, never during TSD practice.
Jake is enjoying Cub-Scouts and Attila is starting to open up in Girl-Scouts. We were fortunate earlier in the year to enjoy a lot of activities because of this. Camping early in the spring was chilly, but Attila got to come along and everyone found out what a thrill it was using outhouses with stainless steel pooper-potties. YIKES! Talk about an adventure. We also had a sleep-overs on the Battleship NJ as well as a over-night experience at the Trenton Thunder ballpark. With the ballpark, we slept in the outfield after watching the game. They are apparently a farm-league team for the NY Yankees ... The Wife's favorite. That evening, we ended the night (morning) watching a game on the big-screen where the Yanks ended up going for 16 or so innings. Speaking of professional baseball, Genghis and The Mrs went to a MLB game in the new stadium up in NY. It was the Yanks vs the Twins. The Mrs, sensing the outcome, dressed Jake in Yankees apparel. He still rooted for both teams. He loves a good game.
Summer vacation was fun. The whole family went on down to DC for a couple of days over the July 4th weekend and saw a few sights. Most importantly, we went to both Air and Space Museums where Jake was lucky enough to see Jetfire from the Transformers 2 movie up close and personal. Not to forget Attila of course, she got to watch the Panda`s gorge themselves or slumber effortlessly amongst the bamboo. The groves of bamboo gave her an idea ... we should get a panda that could live in our backyard! Egads ... we already have dogs, fish and chickens. How about some goats and a pig while we are at it. Speaking of chickens, we set up our flock this year and they were coming along nicely till it came time to shut down the rooster choir. About 10 of the 11 found themselves at the wrong end of a plucking with a great deal of assistance from Grams and Gramps. The twins did not realize that they had become dinner until it slowly sank in that the unnerving quiet from the back-yard was the calling card of grim reaper. They took it pretty well though. It was harder for them to understand that we are going to be eating the eggs that have been recently been laid rather than trying to hatch them!
Now, on to the major financial reports - the old SuperSaturn POS had been giving me quite a bit of problems. The various repairs were starting to mount to a point where I needed to get rid of the car. It was a bit earlier than I had hoped for since we still have over a year of payments on the LAST new car we got. Rats, there goes my plan to buy a small pacific island. After putting in new struts, new tires, front disks, radiator and coolant pump, I spent about 600$ on a car worth 500$ ... not a good investment. In the end though, it would cost less to fix the car than rent one for the time it took us to get the new vehicle. We ended up buying a the same model as the Family Tank v2.0 ... a Toyota AWD with curtain airbags, reinforced roof supports, impact beams in the sliding doors, sidewinder missiles and 50cal machine-guns behind the headlights. Paying two car loans is going to be a tough haul for the next 1.5 years, but the security and low apr made it worth it. I asked about the live organ donation program and they said I was not eligible for any points off if I promised to donate my kidney due to my Scotch consumption.
And then there is school. Attila is still stomping everyone in her class spelling bee and Jake is eating up the math studies. Not to brag, but as a disclaimer - they are atrocious at each-others strengths. With the load of classwork they get each night, I cannot imagine how any child could succeed without a lot of attention from their parents. I do not recall 2nd grade being like this. Of course, computers are default knowledge for them ... scary. I recall that a 30mb hd with 1mb of ram was a months salary. Now you can get a terabyte with 4gb ram for under 1K. Less than a fancy tv! Ooops ... crabby old man mode setting in. Durned kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!
The Mrs is doing well ... she expects to have conquered the server world within a few more years at her job. Not much we can say about that though since she really is a double agent for the CIA fronting as a Boss for the Triad. No just kidding. Sort of ... but not really. Maybe.
Now it is time to whine. The daily schedule that we grind through is enough to make even the saltiest marine cry for mercy. I'm supposed to be at work by 6am every day (make it by 6:30 at latest) so the Mrs can be there to send the kids off on the 8:10 bus. It stops at the end of our mile-long driveway so we have that going for us. If things go well in the morning, I spend my time getting the dogs fed and let them out to finish the final processing of said food. These days, its a bit of a challenge because it is pitch black and finding those steaming landmines is tough if I forget a flashlight. While I'm out there, I make sure the chickens have food and water. Of course, the damned water will be frozen solid so I have to rectify that. I really need to run electric out there for a heated watering can ... the solar panels just wont cut it. Back inside and light a fire to heat the Manor, set out breakfast, open the shades, turn on the aquarium lights, shower up and hit the road. At 2:30pm, I'll hit the road to fetch the Twin Tyrants from school if they do not have any after-school programs; Tuesday - Urban Dance, Thursday - Mad Science, Friday - Young Rembrandts. Every other Monday, we have Cub Scouts and every other Thursday it's Girl Scouts. I run the Cub Den so that's not too bad, they all come to me. Once a month I'll have a Scouting Council meeting on the first Monday and the third Friday is a Pack Meeting. On the Pack meeting days, the Tyrants have to miss TSD (karate) which is a shame because that is DODGE-BALL FRIDAY. We send out the hordes of little critters itching for a fight and let them pummel each-other with balls for 15 minutes. Quite entertaining. Nice thing about Friday is that it is also 'Junk Food Day' where I pick up dinner from Taco Bell. As far a Genghis is concerned, the Taco fulfills all the nutritional requirements a growing boy needs and will do his best to break his 'world record' of eating 5 tacos in one sitting. Attila focuses on the meat-n-beans half-pound burrito which I am fairly certain is categorized as a Crime against Humanity by the UN. She is unnaturally fond of passing wind. They have piano lessons on Tuesday from 4:30pm till 5:30 and the swim team practice is on Monday and Thursday from 7:30 till 8:30. Of course, when nothing else interferes we have TSD for the kids from 6pm till 7 and after, I do my own training from 7pm till 9ish. So, the weekdays are a bit of a byzantine schedule, nay, a herculean effort to maintain. Homework and reading gets squeezed into the commute time between events and a large portion gets done on the Sunday before for the HomeWork we are expecting (spelling, math, reading). For the Adults, its laundry, cooking and prep. Lots of prep. I have a bag of snacks that they kids grind through after I pick them up. Hard boiled eggs, lobster, mandarin oranges, little smokeys, yogurt tubes ... loads of finger foods. A busy lifestyle, but it keeps us distracted. If they had a spare moment, I fear for the world. They would surely start plotting their conquest. Jake already likes chess and risk way too much.

I certainly hope you found this letter informative, entertaining and that it has left with a warm glow ... but not gastro-intestinal distress.

Love, Hope, and Monkey Butts - MDMHVONPA, The Mrs, Genghis, Attila, Cyber-Thor, Katie-bot, the Attack Hens and surviving Fish.



Technorati Tags:Christmas | 2009

Labels: 2009, Christmas

So here I am at the Log College Middle School swimming pool, waiting for the kids swim practice to begin. Toasty as all get out! It would be nice I suppose if I were not sitting here in a sopping wet do-bock (Korean spelling mangled). So, it's the perfect time to sit down with the laptop, find ZERO wi-fi signal (not even an encrypted one, and just pound out a rough doc.

It's been some time since I've had a chance to fill ya'll in on the going's on around the Haupertonian Manor. There has been illnesses and broken digits. The illness has been distributed among the clan with equality and the snapped tendons, digits and such have been reserved for my enjoyment. My pinky toe looks like a bloated purple grub at the moment. That should be a wonderful when I go through my black-belt pre-test in a couple weeks. Oh yessss .... I'll be gimping it up in prime form! The Tyrants will be going for their second stripe on their red belts so they are only 6 months behind me at this point. Tough little buggers, they are. The force is strong with these ones! Their midi-chlorian count is off the charts!! (Geeky Star Wars Ref here)

Let's see ... a synopsis of all the other mish-mash that makes my blessed life so durned interesting ... Christmas was off the charts ... we had everyone down at the manor this year and the 100 foot tall tree looked FANTASTIC. The piano/keyboard lessons are going well and they are really shaping up to be a couple of Mozarts. I tried to keep up with their lesson plans, but my wretched fingers are too well trained to be at home on the computer keyboard. Alas, no late life shift for me to take up a lounge act with the Tyrants and the Mrs as a sultry swooner. Hmmm ... massive layoffs at work that somehow spared me but left me with an excessively truncated list of available victims for the support phone duty. Not good for me, but I'll still get paid. No bonuses, no raises, not 401k matching ... but I never had that before so I'm not too sore about loosing those perks. Like I said, I'm not picking up shell casings in a war-zone to sell back to some dubious buyer so I really am in a pretty good place.

Oh, and for Christmas, Hero Dad and Super Mom bought the Mrs and I a new kitchenette set and a new Refrigerator. The table and chairs are really nice and sit very high so I don't wreck my back leaning over the Tyrant's homework. The fridge is VERY quiet and having the freezer on the bottom is so nice. I could never find anything because it was stored at a level that would require me to have eyeballs in my knee-caps. Now, I can pretty much locate that frozen pleisaur roast that I made last week with no difficulty. I moved the old fridge to the garage where it now serves as a back-up for milk, eggs, broccoli and beer. Happy-happy!

Oh, and how about those gas prices! Jeeze, what a roller coaster ride.

Technorati Tags:Gas | Swimming | Karate | Children | Piano | Christmas

Labels: Beer, Blogging, Children, Christmas, Grandparents, Health, Support Phone, Swimming, Tang So Doo, Winter

Quite a bit has happened over the last week that I have not relayed to you all. I had grand plans of composing a seamless essay of titillating detail and happenstance, but my discursive manner will not permit such schemes. No, I will be sacrificing thrust and clarity for completeness and thorough dissemination of mundane fact. Dry, like my vodka martini, thank you. So, WAAAAYYY back sometime last week (Saturdayish I believe), the Mrs and I were relaxing in the new mile-high bed when, out of the blue, the slats that support the whole thing started to fail. Each slat succumbed in succession as a cacophony of wood striking wood echoed through the master chambers. Our greatest fear was not a broken bed frame, but rather, waking the twin tyrants and having to explain the bed and hoping that they did not give a detailed account to every person they meet over the next week. The mind plumbs the briny depths when words of 'truth' spill forth from the mouths of babes!

Now for everything else. We have fireplace issues ... smoke in the house because of a 'cold stack'. We have multiple bed invasions by the Tyrants ... this will pass, and then we will miss it. We have had company parties where we eat and drink to much. Oh, and when I say 'we', it is the ROYAL we. (I.e. 'me'). The bed fell one more time and I got enough gumption to go to the Local Home Depot Temple and pick up a few metric tons of reinforced Tungsten I-Beams to stop that from happening again. Since then, no more issues. The Mrs did get a giggle out of the second time it happened, I just got miffed since I'd be the one crawling on the floor, trying to wedge my massive torso (HUGE PECTORAL MUSCLES!) beneath the frame. Uncomfortable is an understatement. We had much indulgence of the liquid spirits. Especially Jovial Jake who found the brandy liquor filled chocolates. I saw them rapidly disappearing and was going to tease the Mrs for breaking her own 'no booze' rule, only to catch a glimpse of that tipsy little lush sneaking them when he thought I was not looking. Note: He is not a sullen dope when imbibing, his antics will be legendary.

The kids bed rails arrived, but only one worked. We returned the other and will try again. Alexis was upset over the separation, Jake was Jubilant! Of course, with the arrival of 100 screaming maniacs we call relatives, there was much more joy to spread. A good time was had by all since Super Grams and Uber Gramps did a lot of cooking an provided moving targets for the Tyrants. I did actually get some work done around the manor. Finished up a bit of the chair-rail and molding in the master suite. That was a long time in waiting. I also strung some cat5e network cable and finally got most of the upper floors completely shielded with Faraday cages. Networking efforts were complicated by my ineptitude due to color-blindness. I made a series of ethernet cables and managed to reverse the wiring schemes so when I tried to tie them into the punch-down blocks ... the wire-tested flunked me. So, I punched the colors down in reverse order and VOLIA! They were good to go. So now, I have the capability to install web-cams in all the different rooms of the manor ... (insert diabolical laugh here).

When trying to clean the back-50, I broke the pooper-scooper back-hoe when attacking a particularly large and perma-frost imbued pile left behind by Thor. I should train them to use a toilet ... or at least poo in the same area so I have a prayer of cleaning it up. I purchased a new one from the local Pet Goods General Store but have not recovered from the psychic trauma and let the Mrs take care of it. I would have done it myself but I have been on Support Duty all week. I got a couple calls that kept me out of the warm embrace of my familial unit for a big chunk of the week. Sucks, but you know people HAVE TO WATCH THEIR REALITY SHOWS! Gha. Kill your TV, ok?

What else ... Christmas was good, the 'Midnight' mass at 1600 hours was strange. Tyrants were sufficiently enthralled with their gifts and I was happy to see them happy. It's been rough too since my lower ribs on the right side still hurt from last Thursday. Not sure, but I think that either I fractured one or severely bruised it. I've got to remember to be a bit more careful when sparring. That, or start calcium supplements. The big winners this year where Jovial Jake who managed to get nearly every Transformer ever manufactured and Amish Gramps who got a fairly expensive ladder. His old one is held together with spit, chewing gum, twine and mostly prayers. The prayers are from those of us on the ground waiting to dial 911 at the first sign of gravity reasserting it's dominance over man's flights of fancy. Myself, I got a couple bottles of Vintage Single malt Scotch, a bacon press (AWSOME! Now for the bacon salt!) some tech toys we picked up on Black Friday and the warm feeling of a safe and happy family. We also managed to go to the Mrs's Family gathering up in Parsippany on the evening of the 25th. The trip was not too bad since we took the long (but quicker) route over the PA/NJ Turnpikes. All is well at the end of this year.

One cute story before I sign off; The other day when I was heading off to the Day Care/Re-Education Facility, a new red Ferrari pulled up to us at the exit of our development. When I mentioned to Jovial Jake that it looked like some of his toy cars, he mentioned that it looked a lot like Big Little Brother's red car. Not quite, I quipped, but it is red. Then Alexis noted that we should put the car on a tow truck, but a card and a ribbon on it and give it to her Uncle BLB! Well then! I guess we will have to make sure you get that medical research degree so you can cure MS AND cancer so you can afford such gifts, eh? Such a giving heart; I hate to have to teach them about money. They are content to put the bills and coins in the church basket, not knowing what these bits of metal and paper signify. I think their charity will survive though. Unless I make them earn their allowance by picking up dog dip. Yetch.

Technorati Tags:Christmas | Family | Karate | Children | Wiring

Labels: Children, Christmas, Family, Karate, Wiring

Alas, the mighty giant of 2007 has fallen and the cold days of winter surreptitiously buries it in a blanket of somber white snow. Of course, that is if you don't live in my neck of the woods where we are up to our knees in mud and muck. How was that intro? I was considering 'It was a dark and stormy night', but it was taken. Last year, I wrote a soliloquy of how I spent New Years Soaking in booze and the rapture of gluttony at the Family Friend Seliga's household. I spoke of how I would recant my professed allegiance with the sybarite ways of my heathen friends. Of course, I was quite accurate when I stated that all these promises and declarations made hovering over the toilet would be flushed away next year as quickly and cleanly as the refuse it was. Oddly enough, I was well behaved ... all things considered. Sure, there was a bit of drinking, and smoking cigars, and eating chunks of sugar-coated, deep-fried lard-balls. We discussed manly man activities and planned to go to the annual Sportsman's convention later in the month, only to find out that it had been moved from the usual local location to the wilds of central Pennsyltucky. Alas, it was the portend of an interesting year. Within days, I fully dislocated my right knee during karate practice. There I was, flailing about and writhing in some very real pain. Not the picture of manliness I like to project, mind you. Certainly, you should assume that the Twin Tyrants of Turpitude; Ghengis and Attila, took full advantage of my obvious weakness. Nothing draws the attention of a child like a joint brace that was not there the night before. Anything to gain an edge I me, I swear.

Shortly after my Birthday and the Tang So Doo test early in the month, I contracted some manner of highly infectious and rather persistent virus that settled in my chest and provoked a sinus infection. I was entirely useless for the rest of the month and ended up using two different inhalers just to get through. The Mrs was not entirely convinced that I was on death's door, but gave me the benefit of the doubt. Damn sickly husband, shirking his duties! In spite of my lack of effervescence, I continued to try to exhaust the Tyrants with double dipping Swimming every day followed by Karate practice, to no avail. I swear that aliens abducted them and replaced their innards with some sort of advanced black-hole energy source. The energizer bunny has nothing on these two.

The next month, the Mrs's Father came to visit. The children love to have Gung-Gung around. He must believe that we are raising the them as some sort of twisted psychological experiment. Every day he woke, he must have pondered what fresh hell he would be exposed to as they leaped on him at the truly warped hour of 0545. And speaking of grandparents, they got a lot of 'one on one' time this year with the 'can do no wrong' twins. They spent a week with them for summer vacation (vacation for us, mind you), another week when we flew out to Minnesota to reconnect with the ever burgeoning clan, and then yet another week when we all flew down to Disneyworld. Oh yes, that last trip was a rather spectacular experience. We learned all about the new TSA rules and what turbulence can do to Alexis's timid inner ear. We made great use of those free 'doggie bags' they have on the air planes. Of course, the opportunity to have a meet-n-greet with EVERY SINGLE PRINCESS on the Florida subcontinent made it all worth it. Jake, however, was thoroughly enchanted by the trip and the trip alone. Even though he did have a make-out session with various princesses and sullied their reputation. That was not the high-point of the mission for him. On the last leg of our return flight, he was even invited to survey the cockpit and 'play' with the buttons. Yeah, with today's regulation I would love to see anyone but that little conniver make their way into the inner sanctum of flight control.

I spoke earlier of the Karate Test early in the year. Since then, both Alexis and Jacob (code names: Attila and Ghengis) have tested successfully every three months along side of me. They are now both Green Belts and hot on my tail. They are now sparring in full gear and learning their first weapon forms with a staff. Needless to say, at 5 years old, they can be a rather formidable force but prefer to beat the tar out of each other when they have their gear on. This is good for my health and the welfare of my aging bones. I just barely beyond their level and have the opportunity to learn and practice what they know before they do. It keeps them interested and the rapid synchronous progression makes sure that the sibling rivalry does not become off-balance by the "I'm a higher rank than you" nonsense. Of course, if I manage to pick up another injury or virus, I'll be cow-towing to their on-the-mat demands! EGADS!

And then there is the Manor. We finally put most of the final touches on Jakes room and the Master Suite. Given that, we can start to consider the future of the various bath rooms and power rooms. These will be considerations on though since we had to purchase a new water heater around Memorial day. I had been interested in replacing the ancient paleolithic era unit we had with a new-fangled tankless version, but found that the clearance for the exhaust pipe would not be sufficient. I was fortunate in that when the heater unexpectedly failed (the bottom actually rusted out!), the ever prescient Hero Dad and Super Grandma were there to lend a hand. Saved a few bucks by replacing it ourselves, but had no other alternative since it failed the Sunday before Memorial Day. What were the odds of that!? Other budget dings came in the guise of a failed washer that may have been the result of a clothing label getting lodged in the sewer pipe. About 25 foot down into the line ... that was A LOT of fun snaking out. I smelled of rotting detritus for days after fishing it out. I would have insisted that the Mrs do the laundry by taking it down to the local tributary (if it were not for the damned gators that were discovered lurking along the banks!) and smacking it on the rocks ... but then she would have a weapon to smack me on the head. That, and I do the laundry so the logic is completely flawed.

Speaking of V8 head smacks, I made a few trips to the emergency room this year. Once for Alexis who smacked her hand with a hammer and got a few XRays and a splint for her trouble. From hence-forth, it was known that if you play with daddy's Death-Tools-Of-Doom, you will get a 'Fat Finger Tummy'. Not sure who cried more on that trip to the local chop-shop. Later in the year, we had purchased a new set of beds for everyone in the Manor. Yes, the children too. We finally ditched the Mile Wide Water Bed. It was wrecking my back and keeping it heated to the correct temperature was getting expensive. That and the durned thing leaked. So, the Mrs and I settled on a style that looked good in the room and was not too expensive. One night shortly after we had assembled it, I was picking up various bits of dirty laundry (haphazardly strewn across the floor by your's truly), and I bent over to fetch and errant sock, I stumbled. After a blinding shock charged through my head, I picked myself up from the floor and pondered what had happened. Then I started to feel the tell-tale throbbing pain of having been smacked in the head. Putting my hand to the offending location, it came back slick with blood. I had plowed my forehead directly into one of the posts at the foot of the new bed and opened up my eyebrow right down to the bone. Well, that little adventure got me to the front of the line at the emergency room. They get nervous about people sitting in the waiting room with gushing head wounds. Makes the other patients edgy when you stop moving. I was in and out in less than an hour with about 12 new bits of fishing line. Another year, another scar.

How about we recount some less horrific and gristly activities this past year. The garden got an early start around Mother's Day. Did extraordinarily well and we managed with a bumper crop of pumpkins and tomatoes. We still have carrots in the ground at this time. And speaking of greenery, the zoysia grass is starting to spread nicely. I hope to transplant it to the back-50 sometime soon since the hounds of hell have pretty much managed to poison every inch of lawn with their acid urine. Anti-agricultural pursuits were taken as well with the removal of a few diseased trees on our turf as well as the neighbor's. I had the chain-saw so I got to keep the wood and they did not have to pay for an arborist to soak them for $1500 a tree. Win-win. Well, except for the arborist who is SOL. Speaking of soaking, we went with the Season Passes to Sesame Place again this year. Managed to get there several times when the crowds were not too oppressive with the crashing waves of unwashed humanity. There were times that we did go which were educational experiences. Things came up regarding what tattoos are and what they look like after 60 years ... and what body form/swim garb combinations are considered fashion no-no's ... and in some cases, atrocities against humanity. My mind screams madly now just thinking of it.

The Tyrants started kindergarten this year and have adapted nicely to it. We have found that augmenting their in-school activities with regular reading and flash cards have helped them improve their reading skills and they are at a point where they can actually read entire pages of age appropriate books (with a touch of help). Math is a bit tougher unless we relate it to jelly beans available for consumption or countries ripe for conquest.

Let's wrap up the year with an oppressive load of saccharine sweet platitudes, shall we? Shortly after we got back from our Thanksgiving trek to the Family FOB in Ithaca, we ran out to the local mall (which one, eh?) to get the annual Real Santa Photo of the Tyrants ... only to find that he decided to take the year off! A slightly different Real Santa had taken his gig for the season. The children noticed immediately. I'm hoping that last years cage match between Jake and Old Saint Nick was not the impetus for this sabbatical. This time though, both the little ones smiled and told Santa what they would like to see under the tree. Something about 'dispatching our foes' or some other oddity. The remainder of the last of this bear of a year is spent of setting up the tree, shopping for non-toxic gifts and returning all the toxic ones as we discover them via our own lab tests. Yeah, we let the 'Labs'; Thor and Katie, lick them and if they don't like them, they are returned. Oh, and a bit about me. I've finally got my weight down to 185, I'm doing the Sunday School Sargent at Arms thing again and I get to work the support detail this year during Christmas. Take the good with the bad.

Have a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (drink scotch, it loves you more). Love, Hope and TiVo - The Clan Haupertonian

Technorati Tags:Family | Christmas

Labels: Christmas, Family

Hrmmm, let's see here. It snowed a bit here in Pennsyltucky. Just a light sheet of ethereal snow. And as a matter of course, half the automotive pilots on the local roads completely went off the deep end and tried to induce reverse cranial rectal examinations. Most of the snow melted, only to be replaced by a diamond strength layer of ice. Slicker and blacker than teflon. Half the autos were going 15mph, the other 150mph. Just looking at the POS SuperSaturn was putting my life in danger. On top of that, it looks like I have a slow leak in the rear passenger side tire. Fine, I'll have to pull it off and let Chris the Uber Mechanic patch it this weekend. You know, because I have nothing better to do.

In other news, my shoulder hurts. No good reason, but it seems to be more of a muscle ache variety of hurt rather than a barometric joint reaction. I'm hoping that it will not become a long term issue as I will need to do a lot of shopping for the Mrs this year. She does not typically go for the sparkle and shine of baubles, but the 'neato' factor in technology sends her over the edge. I can see her eyes glaze over as she pages through the new geek-toys on sale at the local electronics monger. Yep, expect she'll want that new robotic tank this year.

Technorati Tags:Snow | Christmas | Traffic

Labels: Christmas, Snow, Traffic

No posting of any considerable extent today. In deference to my readership, I'm spending some of my free time trying to put together the Annual State of the Haupertonian Empire Christmas Update.

Technorati Tags:Blogging | Christmas | Slacker

Labels: Blogging, Christmas, Slacker

Wow ... I've got a bit of catching up to do. Sunday was conducted as follows: Church, stack all the wood chopped previously, roast marshmallows, throw rocks into ravine with Tyrants and watch as Mammoth hounds ran down and pulled them back up the 50 foot crumbling cliff side (the became covered in mud in doing so), sent Alexis to bed early since she developed a 'headache' at dinner (most likely sleep deprivation) and whined a lot about my back pain. Oh, and we decorated the tree. Wimpy post, but I'm feeling lazy.

Technorati Tags:Christmas | Dogs | Wood | Children | Weekend

Labels: Children, Christmas, Dogs, Weekend, Wood

Once again we have come to the last thread of a woven canvas signifying the end of the masterpiece that 2006 has become. Ah, yes, a little to much literary fluff for a 'Friends and Family' Seasonal Letter. I suppose I should just get on with my diatribe. In the beginning, there was darkness. God then made New Years day and the Mrs was wicked torqued at me for drinking so much scotch. And then God made a porcelain toilet so and the Mrs said it was good, for I gazed into the depths of the abyss and let the evil go into the briny deep. Actually, I didn't and got a real good head-banger the next morning. You think that would teach me to mind the bottle this New Years Eve, but I'm not betting against it. We typically spend New Years with the Seligas and watch as the Ever Growing Twin Tyrants obliterate the calm and peace like Gengis and Attila sweeping all of Asia before them. Later on that month, I got together with Pete and his two sons along with Jovial Jacob to go to the annual Sportsman's show here in Philly. Archery, fishing and lots of pretty girls at the Skoal Display for him to flirt with. I'll have to have a sit down with him soon and let him know that his parents will not tolerate him bringing home any tobacco products ... or tobacco product spokes-models. Now the NRA gals and the Remington ladies ... that's another story. Of course, we had to buy a truck-load of jerky for the wimmen folk back at the Manor, and got an earful from the ever Critical Alexis for not bringing her along. And yes, I do realize it is not that she wanted to come along, but rather, she just wanted to opportunity to decline. She's 4 going on 30 and shows every sign of being my inevitable end incarnate.

Speaking of the wonder twins, they seem to be coming along quite nicely. Their 20 year plan for global conquest seems to be moving at the expected pace and they are currently spending their time engaging in advanced combat technique training. As of the time of this writing, Alexis has just earned her first stripe on her white belt in Tung So Do and they are both enjoying the ability to beat the living tar out of Daddy in class. Yes, I joined the class just so I could keep and eye on them and learn some defensive moves. We also go swimming every night before karate for an hour so they are quite the athletic little buggers. They are now at Red Cross Swim Level 3 and we are working on proper breathing technique for the crawl. We have not succumb to very many cases of illness this year so the escalated physical engagements along with the gym membership fees are paying for themselves in less medication ... for them. Myself, I have managed to get some bruised ribs, sprained big toe, wrenched ankle and various soft tissue injuries. Some from Karate, most from chopping fire wood. Oh, and as for that 400$ truck load of logs, yes, we have started using the wood stove. Since it is still blistering hot in the South East corner of Pennsyltucky, the furnace has yet to be turned on. I know some of you folk out in the North West don't see this the way we down here do, but the synergistic effect of El Nino (El Nina?) and Anthropomorphic Global Climate Change has been quite a boon to the micro-economy of the Household Haupertonian. I'm looking at replacing our water heater and the savings in utilities just might be the impetus to do it this year.

Of course, this year has not been all Grins and Giggles. Early on in the year, the SuperSaturn blew out it's transmission. Now, there was a critical choice to make. We were halfway though the car payments on the Chevy Family Tank and I was not really interested in picking up a new loan. On the other hand, spending 2K on a POS 97 Saturn was like giving someone a 20$ bill for 5$ of change. In the end, I lumped it and just had the transmission replaced. It has a 2 year guarantee so, provided that it holds together for a few more years, I'll be vindicated. I'm certainly going to have to buy a new/used car within the near future given that the existing one is held together with spit and grit. This leads me to and extraordinary event for the intrepid adventurers and their sturdy Family Tank. We attended a wedding and on the way from a photo shoot to the actual wedding, we ended up in an accident where the Family Tank (v1.0) came to rest on a it's collapsed roof. The kids fared well as the restraining seats operated precisely as engineered. The Mrs and I got knocked about a bit and had to take a bit of time off to recover. The ever resilient Father-In-Law was in the back seat and manged to crawl out via a shattered side window. It was spectacularly frightening but we had a battalion of guardian angles backing us up that day. Jake went on to be the toast of the wedding reception with his jaunty dance moves and his overflowing affection for anyone wearing a dress. It was our great fortune to have the grandparents at the same wedding with child seats in their car. The Mrs, myself and the ever prescient Big Little Brother took the train back to Philly. This event extended the car loan from 2.5 years to 5 as we are now responsible for paying off the loan on a new Toyota Sienna ... Family Tank v2.0. Bear in mind that this is the first foreign auto (ok, it is 95% manufactured in Indiana, but still) in our fleet so this was a major paradigm shift for me.

Other little hiccups included some stress in my health and the mortal combat of the Mrs's mother's health. It was rough going for 3/4ths of the year with the loyal and staunchly supportive daughter bouncing back between home and NYC at least once a month.

Enough of that kvetching, how about some happy-happy news. Things did go well for us this year in spite of the acerbic experiences peppered throughout. The Mrs bought herself a Tivo unit and we are now officially addicted. Fast forwarding though commercials has made our lives so much easier with the Wonder Twin Tyrants. No more worry about the effects of direct marketing to their developing brains at Christmas. Just a blur and complaints when we don't skip the commercials fast enough. I know that advertising executives are leaping from their corner office windows on Madison Ave just at the thought of it.

This year, we also bought season passes to Sesame Place for the kids. After the first 2 visits, the price compared with a weekend pass was met and we made out pretty good as we came back three more times. This is only during the summer of course. The same time when the garden was going full blast and the kids developed a insatiable appetite for garden fresh peas, beans, cucumbers and other assorted crops. Although the financial savings of this prove to be negligible, the idiosyncratic value judgments of teaching the children where food comes from and engendering a healthy appetite for unprocessed foods has no parallel. At this time, we still have half a row of carrots left to devour. An unprecedented success.

Other success: Both children no longer need the parents to conduct them to the bathroom in the dead of night and Alexis is free from the bounds of an overnight diaper. HUZZAH! More disposable income I can spend on wine ... or invest for the likelihood of braces. The Mrs and I celebrated our 10th anniversary by going out to eat while the Grandparents watched over our scion. It was unnerving how much we had to say outside of 'Eat your dinner, chew your food, don't spill the milk, etc ....'. That, and it's nice to know that after 10 short years, we still can make each-other happy. Speaking of happy and 10 years, I've given up on my consulting job and entered into the stable world of Big Corporate Entity employment. I signed on, most likely as an impetus of the car accident, with a global electronics firm much to the glee and alacrity of the Mrs. I now work 8.5 miles from home instead of 30 and I can both pick up the children and drop them off. The Mrs is free to enrich her career and I can spend much more time with the children (doing karate and swimming every evening as noted above). The savings in gasoline and getting 2 hours of my life back every day is a bonus beyond refute. For the first time in a very long time, I greet the week day mornings as a harbinger for inexhaustible opportunity instead of a portal of torpidity on the way to the weekend.

Ah, yes, the weekends. I've fallen behind in my home improvement efforts. The master suite is nearly done but I have yet to complete sanding Jacob's floor before putting down the usual bazillion layers of polyurethane. He is becoming impatient and insists that I finish the long overdue delivery of his own personal fortress of solitude. We did hire someone to come in an put a shower insert into the communal bathroom though. Took them one day and it look fantastic. The tiles were falling in since the construction was done over regular sheetrock. Not much was happening in the prescient planning department 30 years ago when the developer cobbled together the manor. Less frustrating is my new activity of being an assistant in the Pre-K Sunday School Class. Initially, I was not expecting much of this, but I've fallen into the role as 'Sergeant-At-Arms' quite naturally and seem to be quite effective. Material distribution, door checks, bathroom escorts ... anything and every thing to keep the teacher on task. The children seem to enjoy this much more than trying to sit trough a homily and mass that just does not seem to apply to them. The golden rule makes much more sense when you are not trying to relate adultery and coveting as concepts to a 4 year old.

As a final end-cap to the year, we took the kids to the 'Real Santa' photo shoot shortly before Thanksgiving and were happy to find that our efforts of prepping Alexis bore fruit. She actually did not try to 'Slay' Santa this year with penetrating, angry vibes of animus. No, she sat on his lap and gave us the smile we knew was in her. Jake, well, he was who he is. He damn near speared the poor fellow with a running dive. The terror in Santa's face was as visceral as that of a rebel and union soldier crossing bayonets on the battlefield. Jacob's incorrigible displays of affection for anyone he deems worthy will probably lead him into a career of game show host or politician. Either way, we'll be proud when they unify the world beneath the iron rule of their mighty fists.

Have a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year sans the face in the porcelain receptacle. Love, Hope and Apple Scented Rubber Bands - The Clan Haupertonian

Technorati Tags:Christmas | Family | Children

Labels: Children, Christmas, Family