White Lightning Axiom: Redux: Zzzot

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Zzzot

Okay, sometime after the TSD test on Saturday and the bout of food poisoning, I was the unwitting recipient of a new malady that I have not had the pleasure of being associated with. HEMORRHOIDS ... wtf! No, really Whiskey-Tango-FoxTrot! What trademarked brand of fresh hell is this! So, being an educated suffer, I took a spin on the amalgam of misinformation called the internet. My previous research expeditions have led me to be a contrite consumer of banal blather, but I was desperate. Things were riotous in the South Lands and being that my job insists that I spend a serious chunk of my active hours planted on this fomenting 'pile' of pain, I needed SOME sort of resolution or treatment. This is certainly not one of those Durned MS things that I can dismiss with a wave of a hand. I did find this:

Self Care:
Most hemorrhoids heal on their own in a week or two. Hemorrhoids have a tendency to return unless something is done to prevent them. The most effective preventive measures are:
* Eat between 25 and 30 grams of fiber a day. [HAH! That's per meal for me]
* Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. [Does coffee count?]
* Increase your amount of daily physical activity. [THAT'S UNPOSSIBLE!]
* Add stool softeners or laxatives to diet. Consult with the doctor regarding the prolonged use of stool softeners and laxatives. [Does 16oz of celery a day count?]
* Lose weight. [BITE ME you foppish twit!]
* Change bowel habits. Respond to the urge to defecate and stay relaxed to avoid straining.[Yeah, failed that with the bout of food poisoning ... should have just slept on the throne...]
* Exercise the buttocks muscles. [Errmmm ... ok, but can I wait till this resolves?]
* Practice good personal hygiene. Keep the anal area clean and avoid using rough toilet paper. [Okay, this is a problem. We have 'Sandy Wipe' at work that is mostly made of steel wool and fiber glass]

They were so kind as to make some recommendations regardin 'comfort measures'. They are not entirely within the realm of the possible for me:

You may need a day or more of bed rest to take pressure off inflamed, irritated veins. If you are not pregnant, sleeping on your stomach with a pillow under your hips will help decrease swelling of hemorrhoids.

Try not to sit or stand for a long time when hemorrhoids are irritated. If you must sit for a long time, sit on a pillow. Avoid lifting heavy objects.

Looks like I'll have to stay off the TSD mat for a bit, but I'm certainly going to be spending a bit of time in the pool.

I would like to just complain about gasoline prices ... but thinking of gas right now ... oh, DAMN!