White Lightning Axiom: Redux: A**Pennies

Monday, October 09, 2006



It's been asked for so here it is. Years and years ago, I saw a skit on television (cable, no less) about this and it has stuck with me. My education of AI, Differential Equations and Abnormal Psychology have long since been eaten away, but this remains. It is the Story of the Ass Pennies.

Two guys are on a golf course doing their Manly Golf Thing. The first man makes his putt and it goes wildly off from the hole. The next man walks up to his ball twice as far away, takes a lack-luster swipe at it and it zips right into the hole. This is the impetus for the first to ask what makes the second so much better at everything. He works hard, got good grades in college, does everything he is supposed to do but just does not seem to get anywhere in life. The Second tells him that it is all about confidence and there is a sure-fire trick to get it. All you need is Ass Pennies. The other man gives his newly appointed mentor a 'WTF' look, but the former carries on. You see, everywhere you look you see coins. In the 'need-a-Penney' bin, in collection jugs, church coffers, coke machines, tip jars ... EVERYWHERE. Look in you pockets, you probably have just short of a dollar clinking about. And this is where my plan starts. You need to have something on the other guy when you meet him. Something that makes you think you are better than him. My plan was to take a couple of pennies and put them up my poop-chute. Yess, you think I'm crazy? No? But this is how it works. A few pennies is not going to do much, but if you do this every day, pretty soon a whole bag of pennies that have been up your Hershey Highway are circulating among the population. I started with a few pennies, then eventually a whole roll at a time. I now do quarters, nickles, dimes and the occasional Betsy Ross Silver dollar. I've been doing it for years now. Every time I meet someone, I KNOW that he probably has some coins in his pocket or his wife's purse that have been up my ass. And that's why I'm better than him ... he is holding my ass pennies. At this point, the 'victim' dumps the change out of his pocket, turns and slowly walks off the green.[+/-] show/hide the rest of this post

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