White Lightning Axiom: Redux: Weekend Update 20060127-01

Saturday, January 28, 2006


Weekend Update 20060127-01

Okay, here is the low-down on my charnel house exploits and why I have not been posting regularly. It's going to be rough and sloppy ... sorry folks:

Friday night: Watch BSG on SciFi, stay up till 0200 with Mrs. Throat a bit sore, but I have walking WMD as children so that is expected.

Saturday Morning: I have a medical test for life insurance at 1000. The home visit nurse, Reggie, is about as personable as a chunk of granite. Nice. I'm feeling a bit sluggish but assume it's because I was up to the wee hours of the morning. I bumble about the manor, bring in enough wood to fill both wood brackets and assemble the high-volume air transfer system that I installed below the wood burning stove.

Sunday Morning: I cannot swallow. My adenoids have swollen to simulate a binary sun system and I'm going down quick. By the end of the day, an emergency call to the Doctor is in the works and I'm fearing that I may need to spend time at the hospital. Not good since the Mrs is scheduled to be in NYC for the next two days.

Monday Morning: I cannot speak, swallow, talk, cough or breath through my mouth. My uvula has swollen to nearly seal off my throat and any attempt to eat or drink causes me to gag/vomit violently. The Doctor is stunned and recommends a treatment course but foregoes steroid treatment due to my condition. Comments that he has only seen this twice before in his life and implies that this usually ends up with a tube or an incision. I invoke emergency procedures to ensure should an unscheduled visit to the local medical chop-shop be required, the children are in good hands. Spend the day looking longingly at food I have not been able to eat for 2 days and trying to decode the most bizarre fever dreams.

Tuesday: The Mrs is due back in the evening and good thing. The kids are wondering why daddy is not yelling at them for drinking out of the toilet or why he gave them a whole bag of cheetos after desert yesterday. Two deserts, something is amiss. More interestingly, when I picked up the kids that evening, the Day Care Professional noted that 4 other walking WMD factories had thrown up that day so we have been warned. Jacob has a stainless steel stomach with carbon-fiber belting like his daddy, but Alexis got Mommy's 'Butterfly Wings' digestive system. End result, I was cleaning up sheets saturated with 1.5 hotdogs, 1 mug of chocolate soy milk, 1 adult sized grilled cheese sandwich, 1 helping of soy-beans, 5 pods of peas, 3 gummy worms, one tub of chocolate pudding and enough water to retain the emulsified solids comfortably. It was a long night and fortunately for me, I had no problem since I had yet to eat anything of consequence. On that note, three days no food + antibiotics == flora/fauna on the ropes. Needless to say, the next week is going to be a minimal diet of starchy semi-solids and yogurt.

It is now Wednesday and Alexis is home with Mommy. Not so much that Mommy needed a day off after spending the last two dealing with medical issues in NYC, but rather, Alexis decided that a good-bye hug would not be enough this morning and coated the Mrs with vomit instead. Mommy, being pragmatic, deduced it would be best if she just took Alexis back home, cleaned up the both of them, and spend the day in the manor since a call would be coming anyways. Bird Flu? Pfah! Ebola? Girly stuff. Pandemic? Come over to the Haupertonian Manor for front row seats.

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